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N. Ruby and I played at the lodge Wednesday, March 28, 2012 at 9:00 A.M.

STORIES OF SELF-PROTECTION

being vulnerable.

“lying so much that I believe myself”:  N. Ruby and I are both liars with layers.  N. Ruby illustrated this, personified this, with the Barbie whose pants always fall off socked by one, two, three, count ’em, four…layers of multi-colored, woven, spun, sewn socks.  Every lie or so, or exposing of a lie or a, “Whoa- – I’m not quite sure if that’s what is happening,” moment a sock came off.  But what I’m thinking is that those socks, those layers of Uncle’s who had a BMW, imagined pokemon collections and other lies (remembered lies), are part of how we live, who we are- – and by “who we are” I mean every decision, action, payment, relationship, performance came from those layers.  So that, “fake it till you make it,” makes more sense to describe what and how I am

“lying to help other people, accommodate them, build a relationship,”:  It’s the audience.  Whenever there are two people in a room they are performing for each other.  there were four + dana sadler at the end in the room: two designated performers, one Calvin, one dana sadler, one camera rolling and one, open doored gallery space with high ceilings.

“learning to tell the truth about lying; call out my bullshit,”: first lesson is to not say bullshit in the first place.  At the beginning of Play @ the Lodge I felt this need to perform but also be cool, calm and quiet.  One thing I haven’t noticed until recently, when performing, is that I perform “coolness.”  Like how Reverend J. Keck said, “Now, I don’t hear any of you singing.  Who’s going to judge you for being uncool?  God?  So you’re too cool for God, I see how it is.”  Or Audre Lorde describing the scene where all the people are standing outside this cafe because it has a cheap all you can eat buffet and they are all starving, yet they pretend as if it was a coincidence that they all came to this particular queer cafe for breakfast.  Being quiet and observing is part of who I am, one of my stages, phases of being with people or getting to know them, finding my place.  The difference between that quiet observation and a deliberate coolness is the relationship with the person and the amount of respect for them you have.  I care a lot about what N.Ruby thinks so I absorb her information and energy at the beginning and respond or match with my own energy.  Which- – is a weak stance because, really, I should have a position, a known true position, and meet the other performer where they are and collide the two.  This way there is a true moment rather than a respectful, polite moment.   Dang.

Okay, also, we used puppets in a puppet theater.  N.Ruby and I admitted that others’ opinions  of us matter, that we were/are liars, we told lies, and also laughed about it.  That was a good workshop for ideas.  Now it is time to take the FEAR OF A FAKE-Y PHOEBE (considering this title for performance,) to a technical level with a script and puppets with a purpose.

Ah, yeah.

Notes from Professor Ruby:

-“We need a couch down here,” (4/4)

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